i think the bottom line is this.
I think we (as people) are/can-be resentful that life seems to be about getting over the fact that life is not going to be about what what we want it to be about.
In the end, that seems to be each of ours individual hang up.
Some are always disappointed that life is not more ideal. more perfect. more beautiful. more well done.
I experience this in all of it's disappointment for these types of people, and particularly, with regards to how (I make them feel this way)/(how they hold this/these against me.)
I in turn resent that when I do make the effort, life is never satisfied with the results (and, for the most part, life means these people, but, to a larger extent, it also means money, all people, life and God). I deal with this by being somewhat apathetic to the fact that the single most dominant factor in the universe is entropy -- that things will always decay and fall apart and undo and require much more effort to do/maintain/please/etc. than I will ever think is worth it.
I realize it is not just this way for me. I realize that even God must continually overcome His own idealism, perfection, righteousness -- in order to endure the fallen state of man, and love/rescue/enjoy our existence. I'm not just whining, even though I realize and confess, I am whining.
which only adds to the problem.
There is nothing one can do to get what they want. there just aren't enough hours in the day to take care of every problem, please every person, rest, and be healthy. It is woven into the fabric of existence that one cannot achieve this.
to some, this is the imperfection of idealism.
to me, it is the fuel of apathy.
either way, if I do not "try hard enough", everyone (or, at least someone significant) is disappointed/upset/hurt/angered/etc.
If I do "try hard enough"/"succeed", I am never satisfied with the quantity or quality of the "payoff"
oooh, and I understand that the notion of "the value of a job 'well done' is in itself" -- which is crap to me. I get the idea, and even the "value" in it, but it has never really satisfied me personally/emotionally, even if I can come to terms with it intellectually.
so ultimately, it ends up being an eternal matter of humility and self control, to force oneself to be OK with the results once one determines they have "given a good enough effort." Even if it means acknowledging/learning what more could have been done, and deciding in the future if it is appropriate to do/try more, or accept partial/broken results as OK.
and through it all, Father is supposed to be whispering "well done" when we have actually achieved enough in any given situation... or, perhaps, long after the season of doing has ended, and the applause/pat-on-the-back is basically equivalent to a distant afterthought.
Which is where the "eternal" ("never ending, cyclical", and" seemingly forever in the waiting"), and self control (being content with no applause when there is none, or until there is...) --- come into play...
Patience, and self control... which come by communing/abiding/eating-from the Spirit. "the fruit of the spirit are....." --- that is, "when the spirit is present/alive/consumed/abided, then these things (oh, yeah, and a few others...) will be the fruit, the evidence..."
yaaaaaaaaaaaay
This is basically what Jesus was trying to get his disciples to understand the whole time they were with Him....
Get over yourselves. Get over your own wants and hurts and frustrations and expectations, and let God determine what is worth setting your life upon/towards, and be satisfied with the (lack of) personal/physical/carnal/emotional/etc. rewards here on earth, and accept/value/look-for/give-to-Father the "spiritual" value of obedience/sacrifice/Greater-Truth/etc. that comes-with/is-inherently-true-of the Father's divine perfection of will.
sooooooo
I am just not yet disciplined enough to live out what I already know, understand and unfortunately, believe-in deep down in my truth.
I'm 38 years old.
I've been "at this" for 30 years - since I was 8 (well, I was 8 when I made a conscious decision to "pursue" and "accept" a relationship with God through the sacrifice of His son Jesus... I began reading about and chatting with God about it about two years earlier than that... but, who cares?). On the one hand, that's a heck of a long time for a single human to fail to grasp and achieve a concept/principle/truth/credo, especially one that can be so simply (?) articulated.
On the other hand, the typical number of years for humans to get over themselves seems to be 40. so, maybe it is "acceptable" or, perhaps at least symbolically relevant for it to take another 10 years for my stinking carcass of flesh to finally die and for me to begin successfully living in and of the spirit.
'
i guess that's not too bad.
but I am both getting sick of the stench of my putrid self,
and
wondering if I have what it takes to ever "make it."
one thing is clear. I cannot muster all that it takes to "make it" on a daily basis yet. I guess I'll have to be content to get by on the partial success I, and the Grace of the Father, mange to bolster.
Maybe that's all there is... Getting over it.
