why I'm so angry

Ok, I'll start with the simple confession --- of all the men in the Bible, I probably most readily, honestly identify with Samson, who was admittedly selfish, lustful and angry, and I'll get back to that.

But most of the time I've wanted to believe I aspire for more nobler identity: the passion and faith of David, fervor of Peter, patience and love of John, wit of Paul -- the better half of the men in the Bible.

And to whatever extent I'm able to convince myself I share some qualities with these men, I am always forced to reconcile my first association. Anger and selfishness.

Whether you believe that God had a simple plan for Jonah, and Jonah's selfishness is what got him in trouble, or that God, a master choreographer, knew exactly what He was doing when He asked Jonah rather than any of the other guys available at the time, and wanted the extra drama of whale bleached stenchification to drive the words "Repent! Repent" even deeper into the hearts of the Ninevites -- either way --- it still sucks to be Jonah! And even if you claim that the Almighty God could unbleach his skin and cause his hair to grow back -- what an ordeal! not just the boat ride, being thrown over, being "rescued" by whale digestion, vomitted on the shore of your enemy - but being made an example of God's holy forgiveness and grace overriding one of the few opportunities for RIGHTEOUS ANGER!!!!! and having to yourself eat humble pie rather than he sinners who deserve it.

IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS TO BE GOD'S "GUY" !!!!!!

and that makes it all that much harder to get over whatever legitimate, illegitimate, petty, generational, abusal, social outrage or otherwise persistent forms of anger and frustration in life.

Noah!

--- What?

This is God!

--------- Rrrriiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhttttt

I want you to build an ark

-- riiight -- -I'll get right on that. What's an ark?

It's a ridiculously large boat. I want you to work on it for years. It's going to rain.

---- Right. What's rain?

Don't worry about that. Just do this and stop asking questions

(yeah, I know Cosby's version is better, but longer too...)

So --- how great to be selected by God, right!?

Let's see...

Build something nobody has ever heard of, to protect from something else nobody has ever heard of --- ok, well, everybody get's a hobby, so, no big deal if nobody's on board --

but that's just it

After years of ridicule, when the day finally comes, the boat is loaded, it starts raining -- now you're the only person(/family) "in the right" and you have to watch everything get destroyed. Listen to your neighbors cry for help... then stop

then what? 7 day luxury cruise? land on Fantasy Island for all your faithulness? Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what the earth looked like after a most severe soaking.

How about some mud? Dead everything (well, perhaps not -- if it is actually buried under all the mud and silt to become our modern oil reserves... but... who knows?)

Is this sounding glamorous yet?

Jesus --- doubted/denied/criticized/crucified by those close to Him, those He came to save, those He taught most closely.

Paul, blinded, angered, left with a "thorn in his side", imprisoned, beaten/whipped, exiled -- yaaaay Paul -- that's a glamorous life for sure

Peter -- walks on water, only to sink, denies Christ hour after being warned - how embarrassing -- beaten by John in the foot race to the tomb on Easter... oh, yeah -- and called Satan. Must feel good to be that guy.

David -- faithfully deliver lunch, a rather simple task I think anyone might be able to muster a good attitude for -- only to accidentally proclaim his faith in The Most High God, get thrown to the frontlines to face a LITERAL Giant, slay him, only to have spears chucked a him, exiled, his best friend killed, finally become King, only to lose his beloved son (and respect/love of wife/people/etc.) over a little live porn, a little fling, a little coercion, some lies, ummm.... oh, and a murder if you're keeping track I guess. David. Forefather of the Christ - how far we fall!

How about Joseph? Sure, maybe he deserved a little payback from his brothers -- we all hate a suckup, know-it-all, teachers pet braggart, but slavery? faked death? sheesh! but wait! even as a slave, he tries to be the most honorable, and what happens? attacked (allegedly...) by his masters (presumably very hot) wife! AAAah! not only the temptation! but lo! he does the right thing, ONLY TO BE (falsely?) ACCUSED OF BEING THE PERPETRATOR! now, not a slave, but a prisoner --- years go by -- fighting it out with God (to much avail, right?) --- THEN, even still, he helps fellow prisoners because he STILL HAS FAITH -- only to be forgotten/snubbed when they return to possitions of influence.. Only after MORE YEARS in prison, does his "faith" earn him audience with the King, who places him in power, yadda yadda, saves the day sure, but MAN! WHAT A LIFE to get there!?

and how about Moses? He didn't have to pay attention to the plight of the slave -- or even the fact that by blood they were his people --- he could have just kept on playing along, become Pharaoh and done as he pleased (which, of course, could have included freeing them!) but no -- he becomes empassioned, kills a guy, ends up in the desert to almost die... almost bad enough... but gets rescued, has a family, only to have a bush tell him to go to Egypt, give some big speeches to his former brother now Pharaoh despite his speech impediment --- and free "God's" people ---sure, no big deal - I'll just pick up some milk and a new throw rug for the livingroom while I'm at it --- 10 standoffs, including picking up live vipers, ridicule, yadda yadda, then, FREEDOM, right? suuuuuuure! a bunch of mature, grateful, faithful servants of God follow him out directly into the PROMISED land, right? Oooooh, wait! no! that's how it's SUPPOSED to go, but noooOOOOOOOOooooo... we have to wander in the desert... We have to forget God and make idols... we have to complain and bicker and doubt... Moses this and Moses that... and after 40faithful years in the desert with these whiny, ungrateful malcontents, Moses has a moment of weakness, taps the rock rather than speaking to it, and the PROMISED land is taken from him ---- in punishment for his heinous crime....

need I go on? almost - and seriously--- almost every single guy in the bible (and let's not forget the women! but I will not claim to whine a cry on their behalf) who put his neck on the line for this "God" ended up with what to show for it? Death? yeah, some of the lucky ones died quickly. Torture? Imprisonment? Family slaughtered before you? Boils? abandonment? eyes burned out? Drawn and Quartered?

and how about Christ's reward? A bride -- the Church! HA! Have you taken a look around the history books at what an embarrassing, whining (ahem...) selfish, short-sighted, backstabbing ungrateful bunch of heathens He gets stuck with!

RIGHT?

ACTUALLY.... yes

Even in "the glory that was set before Him", the bride, the church, the ongoing suffering of presenting her blameless (COUGH!) before God --- the glory of it... of being "that guy" --- the guy who could get the job done... the guy who can (and does) continue to accept the blame for his brides crap, so that His Father's heart can enjoy the beauty of this radiant(ly cleansed) trophy addition to His heart-family.

So that's it. Being "the guy." constantly not only taking the raw deal, sacrifice, embarrassing, lonely road of being God's guy, but, being His Son as well, rebuked, purified, punished --- to expose the rotten, diseased, self serving undead flesh that gets angry at the unfair deal it gets.

sure, it's noble, but it still makes me angry sometimes.

I hate that there's still crap in this world I have to clean up after I step in it.

I hate that just when I think I have a righteous anger, I get an accusing finger pointing out what a schmuck I am. And it's right.

I hate that the pain I feel from others ---ahem --- crapping --- on me, needs to be replaced with compassion for their pain, which causes them to behave in this way.

I hate that my accuser is so right.

I hate that my big brother has already paid for it, and I have to fight not only to overcome the shame of my ridiculousness, but also accept that I'm the only one angry about everything, and get over it.

I hate that despite all my intelligence, all my charm, all my craftiness, ADD, ADHD, skills, merit, and junk in the back closet, I can't work out a better deal for myself.

I hate that in order to live, I have to die.

I hate that the person who lives when I die - isn't me.

I hate that alot of times, that person doesn't even appreciate it.

I hate that when they do, they're not supposed to, rather, they're suppose to thank God, not me.

I hate that I'm broken.

I hate trying to pretend I'm not.

I hate getting fixed

I hate knowing that while I may be fulfilling prophecy, and Gods promises, it may be through selfishness, anger, lust, and worse -- a final, repentant moment of clarity that a invokes my former glory destroys some evil enemy --- and myself. Thanks for that Samson.